I'm Not Ready

The kids start school on Monday. Jeff starts school on Tuesday. My surgery is on Thursday. I am not ready. I always hate the end of summer - I know some Moms can't wait to drop the kids off the first day but I want just a few more weeks. A few more weeks of sleeping late, hitting the pool, playing around with the kids.

And I feel less ready for school than I normally do. Usually by this time I have created my calendars, chore lists, picture schedules and all the other anal retentive things that help me relax and let go. This year not so much and if anything I need to be more organized this year because in 5 days I am basically handing over the responsibility of caring for my kids to other people. Football practices, homework help, cheer practice, 4-H meetings, meal preparation, and a 1000 other things that are required for my house and family to run seamlessly.

My Dad will be taking care of my kids the weekend I am in the hospital while Jeff is at work. And it isn't that I am worried he isn't up to the task - I hate to admit it but he makes a better mom than I do. My last surgery he managed to get all three of my kids up, cooked breakfast, helped everyone get dressed and groomed for school on time for weeks. That may not sound amazing but he managed to do it without raising his voice one time.

Maybe I am dragging my feet on all my usual preparatory tasks because I am trying to hold off my surgery date. I am scared and I want to stomp my feet like a toddler and say "I don't wanna!" My last surgery went so badly it makes me nervous. And I am scared the pain will be like last time - that pain that makes you shake and bite the inside of your cheek because all you want to do is scream but you are afraid if you start you won't be able to stop. So you shake and bite holding on to that sliver of control and wonder WTF someone who has to have 16 surgeries is allergic to morphine and half the other good drugs. And I don't even want to think about how I am going to "work in" dragging around a catheter bag for 4 to 6 weeks or more.

I just want my life to be back to normal - I wish I could either go back to before my last surgery or fast forward three months. Unfortunately neither is an option and Thursday will come ready or not.