Transferring Power

Caitlin turns 12 today. It doesn't even seem possible that the little beanie baby sized baby that we carefully held, negotiating tubes and wires, is now in her last year of preteendom. Tonight I was talking with some women about my pregnancy with her and when she was little and it seems so close behind me as if it was yesterday.

I remember so clearly my first doctor's visit when I was pregnant and being devastated when the doctor so bluntly told me that the chances of me having a live baby were close to zero and asking if I had considered abortion. I rejected that and decided to go ahead with my pregnancy.

Then she was born and we were given the horror stories of 24 week preemies - that if she did live which was an enormous elephant in the room sized IF - that she would have very little chance of being normal. I rejected that and decided that she would live.

Then she had a brain bleed on her third day of life and also needed heart surgery. On my 23rd birthday still in the hospital recovering, a surgeon told us that she might not make it through the surgery and that her brain bleed could progress to "catastrophic". I rejected that and waited in my hospital bed with my birthday flowers surrounding me for news that she had come out of surgery alive.

Then she was home and we were told that her prognosis was poor and she was unlikely to walk or talk. I rejected that and believed that she would run one day.

Then she was a toddler and we were told that her hands would never be strong enough to write or cut or dress herself. I rejected that and had faith that she would tie her own shoes one day.

Then she was 9 and the doctor said that she would be in a wheelchair by 18 unless her legs were stretched and she received hamstring and heel cord surgery around 12. I reject that and I am watching her legs accommodate her growth without surgery.

I have seen my daughter through the whole spectrum of her life and I have seen her live, and walk, and talk, and run, and tie her shoes. I have seen her do all the things that she was never supposed to be able to do. I have always had faith in her and for her. Now she must have faith in herself and reject the harsh words of a surgeon, an unkind remark from a friend, the disbelief of a teacher or diagnostician. I can support her and stand by her but I can no longer choose for her. She owns her own mind and is reaching the age that my belief and faith in her has to become her own confidence and self-assurance. She has to now choose to reject the negative and embrace the belief in the future positive.

Facing the Door

I started school this week so I have been unusually busy but I fell back into the usual school routine including the fact that I always sit in the last row in my classrooms. I also sit with my back to the wall in a restaurant, a bar, and I even stand with my back to the wall at the kids school assemblies. I have never liked the sensation of strangers being behind me and I can't relax if my back is to the door.

I have always known this about myself and it is somewhat of a joke with people that know me well. But I didn't realize until this week that there is one situation where these rules don't apply. If I am with my husband or my father I don't care who is behind me or if my back is to the door. I am a very observant person - sometimes people assume that because I talk alot (and I do) that I don't listen and pay attention to what is going on around me. But I always survey my surroundings, I usually catalog the people in my immediate area, and I look for the nearest exits to wherever I am in case of an emergency and I do it somewhat subconsciously. I remain aware when I am out which is why even on my girls weekends I go back to the hotel before I get truly snockered. Once I feel my ability to be "aware" become impaired I grab a taxi and head back home (even if home is the Hyatt).

But with my Dad and Jeff I can truly relax and let my guard down. Most of the time that is a good thing - a chance to regroup and recharge. The comfort level does have a down side as evidenced by New Years Eve this year. I was with Jeff so my "moment" where I would stop drinking and head back to the hotel came and went because I knew Jeff would make sure that I made it back home safely. And I did but not before being more inebriated in public than I have been in at least 15 years.

I have been examining my habits lately to become more aware of the things that I do and examine why I do them. It is not that I think facing the door is a bad habit but I find it interesting that I take responsibility for my own safety and the safety of those around me in every situation but those in which my father or husband is present.

Self-Reliance vs. Presumption

The other day a very wise friend of mine was talking about siblings and how often the way they relate to each other is indicative of how they relate to the world. In her case, her oldest daughter often takes responsibility for her younger brothers and while that trait can be helpful at home - the "big sister" mentality and resulting bossiness often doesn't work out in the real world of 4th grade. It was a lightbulb moment for me in regards to my son Devin.

He is the child that makes everything work with his siblings. Partly it is his personality which has always had a certain "mother hen" component. He knows the rules and want to make sure that everyone follows them correctly and he knows what needs to get done and he wants to see it done correctly. So he is the one that always opened the door for Caitlin before she learned how to do it herself, he is the one that empties the trash without being asked because it needs to be done, he is the one that will set up the game for Hannah while I am cooking dinner. Right or wrong he often takes responsibility for everything running smoothly and I don't correct that tendency because it is helpful to me at home.

But I never thought how that caretaking and mediating trait would apply outside of our home. It has become expected that Devin often works out issues on his own and we have even encouraged this trait. Unfortunately, we have not taken the time to explain that there are some issues that we as his parents have to handle. Case in point - Devin got upset with something that a neighbor child was doing and so he marched himself over to his house and preceded to tell the neighbors Mom (very undiplomatically) that he did not like what her son was doing and that she needed to make him stop. She was less than understanding and so he repeated his demand in the way only Devin can - so matter of fact and expectant. Our neighbor is kind of an ass anyway so this presumption on my son's part did not go well.

When we talked to him about it, he just could not understand what he had done wrong. Why it was wrong for him to try and "handle" a disagreement with a neighbor who was an adult and why those issues should be left to my husband and I. I felt like beating my head against the wall - he felt like we weren't standing up for him because our neighbor was such an ass to him and we couldn't get him to understand that our position was affected because he had taken on an issue that should be left to adults. We pretty much left it at a standstill - he still didn't understand but accepted our new rule that any complaints that needed to be made to an adult had to be filtered through us first until we can explain how to handle out of family disagreements appropriately.

And then the next day - my lightbulb moment. Hearing Shari talk about how kids relate to the world, Devin is our self-reliant fixer - of course he would assume that he could just march over to the neighbors to air his grievance. We have taught him to be an independent problem solver and that is his first reaction to a problem "How can I solve this expediently?". Now we just need to teach him the social guidelines of adult/child interactions or put another way - telling the neighbor that her kid is a destructive jerk (even if he is) may not be the best way to handle things.