Living Today

One of our many todays from yesterday

It is difficult to live in the moment. Nostalgia pulls you backward and anxiety pulls you forward. "How is is possible my children aren't babies anymore?" is at war with "Will my children continue to stay on the right path and make good choices?" And that parenting schizophrenia steals from today.

I have very few memories of my two older children as babies. The fact that they were critically ill meant that all of my focus was on tomorrow. My mind was consumed with whether they would have a tomorrow and I neglected to appreciate their todays.

Several years ago I had a very complicated surgery and went through a period of time when my thoughts were focused on my yesterdays. To "before" - before my surgery went bad, before I was functionally disabled, before I felt incomplete. I have very few memories of those two years because I ignored my todays.

I often remind myself that I can only live in my todays - I can think about my past but I will be thinking about it today, I can think about the future but I will be thinking about it today. Today is all that exists.

My children will continue to grow older and the future will become the past and I want to remember and appreciate and absorb all of the todays between now and then.